When Nate and I got married, we weren’t considering starting a family from the get-go. At the same time, we weren’t preventing it either. We both agree that we will allow the Lord to determine if and when we have children. Who are we to try and stop His plan? To me, that’s saying I feel like I have and need the control in my life instead of giving my life over to the Lord. Besides, children are one of the biggest blessings the Lord provides.
Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5 KJV
Even though we agreed we would be fine whenever a baby would come, we weren’t actually anticipating one. Two months after getting married, we thought we were pregnant. Being regular all my life, it shocked me to suddenly be late and feel ill. Fear set in until the test came back negative. Somehow, I wasn’t convinced. So many symptoms overwhelmed me. Something was off. A visit to the doctor and a blood test confirmed we were not with child. It just wasn’t His time.
It’s funny how you don’t want something, but you almost have it and are now preparing for it. Suddenly, you realize how badly you actually want it. This whole situation caused us to really sit down and talk it through. No, we wouldn’t mind having a kid. We won’t actively try, but if it’s God’s will – we will be thrilled. We didn’t really think about it too much after that other than I started actually noticing babies and baby products. I was so anti-baby prior to this. I only held one baby unwillingly and avoided them. Some women just aren’t born with that maternal instinct, but it can certainly come once pregnancy is a possibility (even more so after you give birth).
Half a year goes by, and we go through the same scenario. I experience the exact same symptoms, but I’m over a month late this time. Pregnancy tests still continue to be negative. I start researching about people who get false positives. My friend’s mother had this happen where she didn’t get a positive until several months in. From the beginning, she had a gut feeling that she was (spoiler alert: she was!). This had to be what was happening to me, right?
How do I go from never having a period to one over a month late? I took test after test. The nurse recommended over the phone I come pick up a pill to get my cycle back on track even though I hadn’t been seen. I couldn’t fathom putting anything in my body when they hadn’t even seen me in person. It just made no sense. I refused to pick up whatever medication they wanted to prescribe. About 45 days late, it showed up. We weren’t having a baby.
It hit me harder this time because I realized I actually want this. We started doing basic tracking but didn’t actually act on it. At this point, I just wanted to know that I was able to get pregnant. I craved to know that nothing was wrong with me. We both continued to pray and had faith that the Lord would provide a child with His perfect timing.
About two months later, the same thing happens and I feel defeated. Why do I keep going through pregnancy symptoms with no pregnancy? Something has to be wrong with my body. Tests are done, but they find nothing wrong. The solutions they gave me were to either take medication or just come to terms that this is my new normal. This wouldn’t work for me. I need reasons. You can’t tell me that after my cycle has been normal for a decade that suddenly I have to accept it’s abnormal with no reasoning why.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, my friend. A month later, we got the positive. I had just injured my ankle by falling down the stairs at our apartment, which made going up and down 3 flights of stairs every day a little worrisome. We were preparing to move back in with my parents for a short period so we could save some money for a house. Every time we thought we were pregnant, we thought now is the perfect time! We were wrong. He knew. NOW was the perfect time.